Transformative Journey

My Life's Purpose

2009-06-16T19:41:00.000-07:00

While I was in California I had some powerful revelations about the purpose of my life. This goes beyond personal goals, hopes, dreams and desires. I experienced a strong intuition regarding my reason for being here and discovered what I am meant to do with my life. Although I don't precisely know what my future will look like, it has become clear to me that there are five important elements that make up my purpose in this lifetime.

1) NATURE

I believe an important part of my life's purpose is to bring people back to nature. To remind those around me that we are all part of the various layers of ecosystems and bioregions that make up this planet. Simply being present in nature, sensing what is going on around us, brings a depth of awareness that we often lose in modern urban society.

2) SUSTAINABILITY

A big part of what has drawn me to being here on the farm is my desire to learn how to live within my means. I don't mean this in an economic sense (although I suppose that is part of it). What I mean by sustainability is surviving on this planet without squandering resources, polluting and leaving a trail of destruction for future generations.

3) FOOD

Not just any food, however. I'm talking about local, organic, sustainably produced, healthy food. Food is one of those vital elements that all humans have in common. We depend on food to keep our bodies alive and functioning. In the west, our increasing dependence on industrial agriculture has put us in a precarious position. We no longer have the land, knowledge and skills to be able to feed ourselves. We are reliant on corporations to provide our basic daily sustanance. Am I the only one who finds this frightening?? Getting back to the land, learning how to create food from sun, water, soil and seeds, understanding the continuous cycles of plant and animal life and how we fit into these cycles are vitally important for our survival.

4) COMMUNITY

I have been inspired by my recent experiences of living in communities where space, food, work and activities are shared. We need each other. Our very survival depends upon our connections with others. North American culture highly values independence and many of us have become estranged from our neighbors. Relearning how to live together, to tolerate our differences and to create vibrant, functional communities will not only make our lives easier, but it will make them richer and more enjoyable.

5) HEALING

Healing through healthy living and connection with nature and community is possible. We cannot constantly turn to medicine to solve all of our chronic health concerns. We must look to the root of our issues and learn how to live healthier lives to prevent disease and promote wellness. Human bodies are like the planet earth in that we have a tremendous ability to heal from within. Once we are able to put an end to unhealthy habits and destructive ways, we will allow our bodies and our planet to heal themselves.

My vision of what all this might look like involves settling in an ecovillage, working within the community to create sustainable, organic food for the members of the community. Ideally working with individuals who might have physical or mental health challenges and are actively participating in a garden therapy program. By doing this they would be healing themselves, while making a valuable contribution to the well-being of the community and all its members.

Transition

2009-05-17T15:31:00.000-07:00

I have been remiss at keeping up with the blog these past few weeks.. my apologies. I've had limited/sketchy internet access and have been preoccupied with goodbyes and hellos and moving through time and space to get where I am now. And where I am now is in Fanny Bay BC, living at Ironwood Farm, which is a small produce farm located across the street from the ocean. I've spent the past couple of weeks settling into my new digs, learning about working on the land, getting used to sharing space with the WWOOFers (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms) and struggling to keep up my yoga practice.
I sometimes stop to remind myself that I am living my dream of being on a farm. After the past few years of dreaming, hoping, imagining and reading about farming, my time has finally come. I'm sure some people may wonder why on earth I would give up the stability and security of my government job to work on a farm for no pay, but to me this makes all the sense in the world. I have been longing to learn how to live more sustainably on the planet. I've made efforts over the past few years to reduce my ecological footprint. I choose not to drive a car, to buy secondhand goods when I can and to live a more simple life, but I am still reliant on food produced by huge industrial agricultural companies. Their food products are often shipped long distances around the world, stored for extended periods of time from harvest to consumption, usually treated with toxic chemicals, probably highly processed, lacking significant nutritional value and possibly even genetically modified.
Since food is something I consume every day of my life and depend on for my survival, it is important to me that what I eat fits with my values of natural health and ecological sustainability. Being here at the farm is a step towards achieving that goal. I imagine a future in which my life's work is not sitting in an office all day, but producing healthy food for my community, my family and myself. As I learn, my relationship with the land grows and takes root. I can feel the seeds of a new way of life germinating within me already.

Spiritual Awakening

2009-04-06T13:33:00.000-07:00

I didn't come here looking for God, I came looking for community. I wanted to try living in harmony and cooperation with others. I wanted to know my neighbors, not just to wave hello, but to really know them. I was also drawn to learning more about the practice of yoga, but I did not think of myself as a 'spiritual seeker'. Despite my conscious intent, it seems the universe may have had other plans in store for me. Since I have been here, it has become clear to me that everything that led up to this experience was preparing me to discover my truth.

In some ways it frightens me to write about this, because I fear others will judge my experience or misunderstand what I am saying. It also scares me because I fear that speaking of it will burst the bubble and my new found spirituality will vanish. Sort of like when you see a wild animal in the woods and it takes you by surprise. Part of you wants to get closer and call your friends over to witness it. But another part simply wants to be still and quiet, to observe without scaring it away.

This time last year I was depressed and felt that my life had no meaning. I couldn't see the purpose of continuing to live while humans were destroying the planet and wreaking havoc on the natural world. Now I feel a deep sense of purpose and connection. I accept reality exactly as it is. I know my purpose and I know that I belong here.

As difficult as it is to describe the indescribable, I will try to explain how my 'spiritual awakening' occurred. There were no fireworks or messages from the heavens, no levitation or walking on water or anything supernatural. In fact it was probably a more grounded, earth-based experience that I would have ever imagined.

My truth revealed itself to me slowly, one piece at a time. Now I realize that the process started before I even left Victoria. The most profound realization came one morning after yoga practice. At the end of the class I was in Savasana (corpse pose) and I imagined that my resistance was dying. By resistance I mean that part of me that wanted to always be independent and right. Not to have anyone else tell me what is right or true, but to know for myself. I decided to let go of that part of myself, to trust and have faith that the teachers guiding my experience here at Mt. Madonna know what they are talking about. As we moved from corpse pose to embryo pose I imagined that I was surrendering and bowing to the divine. After the class I stepped out of the room and saw the early morning sun beams reflecting on the fog in the trees. At this moment I was struck with a profound sense of divine presence. I felt it very much as a part of me and that I was fully a part of my surroundings. Just like the deer that wander through the grounds eating grass, I also am a part of this environment. I have never felt so deeply connected in my life.

The most interesting part of this experience was that I did not feel like I became aware of something new. I felt like I just remembered something I have known all along. Now it seems to be easy for me to feel that divine presence. I feel it when I am out in nature, when I am enjoying a good meal or conversation, when I meditate, when I gaze into the sky, or whenever I take a moment to stop and remember.

In addition to this experience, a number of important realizations have presented themselves to me, some from books, people or conversations, some simply seemed to appear in my consciousness as a gift...

1) We (humans) are not separate from nature, we are nature as much as any plant or animal.

2) Everything is interconnected, from tiny atoms to vast galaxies.

3) There are subtle energies that exist, which we cannot experience with our five limited senses, but that does not mean that energy is not flowing all around and within us all the time.

4) All spiritual paths are equally valid, as long as they lead to peace and truth.

5) Daily spiritual practice can take many forms. It serves to remind us of our connection to the divine, to unite us with universal consciousness, to bring us peace and to help us realize our true nature and purpose.

6) Knowing and honouring our beliefs and values in every action leads to a life lived with integrity.

7) To accept reality exactly as it is, is to see the divine truth. Denial of reality, is to fight an argument that can never be won.

Namaste

Silence

2009-04-01T15:41:00.000-07:00

The past week has been an interesting experience of silence in the community. It began with the return of Mount Madonna's spiritual teacher and master yogi, Baba Hari Dass. Babaji returned last week from his annual trip to visit the orphanage he founded in India. He is a silent monk who has not spoken since 1952. He is now in his eighties and continues to actively serve others both here and abroad. At age 8 Babaji left home to enter a renunciate school where he was trained in traditional Ashtanga Yoga. He dedicated his life to the service of humanity and was the inspiration behind the Mount Madonna Center.

Babaji has been present here at the center 3 days a week since his return. There has been a palpable shift in the energy of the community with his presence. Many of his students and members of the East Indian community in the surrounding areas have come to visit the center to welcome him back. Although he does not speak, Babaji communicates by writing on a chalkboard and holds weekly classes on the Yoga Sutras. He has written a number of books, one of which I read last week entitled 'The Path to Enlightenment is Not a Highway'. His writing is poignant and accessible. Babaji seems to be somewhat of a celebrity around here, always surrounded by a small crowd. He has his own special chair in the dining room and people congregate on the floor around him while he eats. I have been told that I could approach him and introduce myself, but I find his silence somewhat intimidating. So far I have not overcome my awkwardness to try to speak to him.

Another powerful shift in the center's energy occured this weekend when a large group of over 200 people arrived for a 5-day silent retreat. Adyashanti is a spiritual teacher and author who holds regular silent retreats for his followers here at Mount Madonna and other centers. On the first night of their arrival the group was lively and interactive. I chatted with a few of the participants over dinner on Sunday evening. Some had been to Adyashanti's retreats before and others had not. One expressed his fear and wonder about what he was getting himself into.

By the next morning they were all deep in silence. It is an odd experience to walk into a room full of over 200 people sitting eating breakfast with not a single word spoken. It is kind of an eerie silence. One long term community member expressed "this silence is so loud, it was a lot quieter in here when everyone was talking!" It may sound strange, but I think I know what he means. I found it difficult to find a comfortable place to be for the first day. It seemed like no matter where I went there were people in silence sitting or walking around and it felt strangely disconcerting. Almost like they weren't really there, because I knew that I could not interact with them. Kind of like ghosts in our midst, physically there but not really present.

Once I got over the initial discomfort though, I began to see the beauty in what they are doing. By observing silence, they are engaged in discovering their true nature. Adyashanti was a Zen student and teaches nondualism. After the group arrived I was thinking that I would like to read some of his writing out of curiousity. Coincidentally, later that day my friend George stopped me and gave me a book by Adyashanti called "My Secret is Silence". I am enjoying this collection of his poems and sayings, which he advises should be read with the heart, not the mind. Yesterday I had an opportunity to attend one of his Satsangs. A Satsang is a gathering in which he gives a talk and then does a question and answer period with the attendees. To me it felt a bit like a cross between a sermon, a motivational speech and a stand-up comedy routine. He has great insight and a fantastic sense of humor. I was glad to have the opportunity to attend. At the very least it helped dispell some of the mystery of what was going on with this silent group.

As someone with a history of chronic shyness and social anxiety, silence comes easily to me. I have actually spent a lot of time and energy trying not to be so silent. Witnessing the deliberate silence of both Babaji and the retreat participants piques my curiosity. I wonder about why one would choose a life of silence, when it seems to me that much of the richness of life comes through our connection with with people around us.

Karma Yoga

2009-03-19T17:50:00.000-07:00

Karma Yoga is an important aspect of daily life at Mount Madonna Center. Both long and short term community members make regular contributions to the running of the center through work service. On the surface, this is a convenient exchange of work for room, board and access to programs. However, there is much more to this arrangement than meets the eye.

In Sanskrit, Karma means 'action' and Yoga means 'union'. Karma Yoga translates as 'union through action' and is also referred to as 'selfless service' or 'the discipline of action'. When performing acts of selfless service, one lets go of the need to profit or receive approval and validation for one's labour. The act of service to the community is reward in itself.

In a large community and conference center like Mount Madonna it is easy to see how Karma Yoga benefits both community residents and guests. The buildings are kept clean, functional and beautiful, delicious meals are prepared and served three times a day, the grounds are maintained... many of these tasks performed through the action of selfless service.

Each of the ten members of my Yoga, Service and Community program group have been assigned to 24 hours per week of service work. My shifts include gardening, composting, kitchen work, dishwashing and cleaning. The work is enjoyable as we serve side by side with our new friends, often in the outdoor sunshine and fresh air. The act of working in this way can be a meditative experience. I find it helpful to think of the community members and guests who will enjoy the fruits of my labour. This reminds me to always strive, not only to get my job done, but to do it well.

As I walk through the beautiful grounds here and enjoy the wonderful food, music, yoga classes, hiking trails and so much more, I am thankful to the busy team of Karmic worker bees who keep this amazing place functioning as it is.

Holi Bonfire

2009-03-15T09:32:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday evening, we celebrated with a Holi bonfire. After the evening Arati - the daily temple ritual that takes place at dawn and dusk every day - the Holi celebrations began. We started by tying strips of red cloth around sticks to signify the negative parts of ourselves that we want to release. Then the sticks were lit on fire and we sang and danced around the fire. Traditional Sanskrit songs were sung in a call and response style. Hand drums were played and everyone clapped and danced around the fire as the blaze rose higher and higher. Once we had circled the fire seven times we were purified of the negative energy that we were letting go from our lives.

Holi is a spring festival celebrated in India. Legend has it that there once existed a mighty demon king by the name of Hiranyakashyap who wished that everybody in his kingdom should worship him. His son, Prahlad became a follower of Lord Naarayana. Hiranyakashyap instructed his sister, Prahlad's aunt Holika, to sit in the burning fire with him in her lap. She was blessed so that no fire could burn her. But the opposite happened, Prahlad survived and Holika was charred to death. Thus 'holi' is celebrated to commemorate the victory of virtue over evil.

Holika Dahan or the lighting of bonfire takes place on the eve of Holi. The day is also popularly called 'Chhoti Holi' or the 'Small Holi'. Metaphorically, the fire is meant to signify the destruction of evil - the burning of the 'Holika' - a mythological character and the triumph of good as symbolised by Prahlad. However, the heat from the fire also depicts that winter is behind and the hot summer days are ahead. The bigger event in India is the next day and it is celebrated by people throwing coloured powder and coloured water at each other. The celebrations officially usher in spring, the season of love.

Life at Mount Madonna

2009-03-08T18:18:00.000-07:00

It is now my fifth full day here at Mount Madonna. The first few days were busy and intense. We all arrived late Tuesday afternoon and got ourselves settled in. We spent most of the first two days being orientated to the site and the program, and getting to know each other. It is a great group of people with diverse backgrounds and life paths.

We live in what is known here as "Forest View". It's a small lodge with 10 bedrooms and a common room. Each bathroom is shared between two adjoining bedrooms. The common room is very comfortable with couches, books, a stereo, a kitchen and a common bathroom. We are each assigned chores every week to keep the place clean and orderly.

The program I am involved in is called Yoga, Service and Community, or YSC for short. We provide service to the community for 24 hours per week and pay a nominal fee. In return we receive comfortable housing, wonderful vegetarian food, use of the facilities and a structured introduction to Ashtanga Yoga. The site is gorgeous and functions as a small village. There is a full retreat and conference center, a grade school, a wellness center, a cafe, a bookstore, many cabins, lodges and homes, a large common building, an outdoor temple and many other buildings.

Today was my first full day off, so I have finally had a chance to get on to a computer for a while and upload my photos. Which, by the way, are now in an online album available in my list of links. It's hard to believe I've only been here for five days because they've been so packed full of activities! So far I have been chopping veggies, sweeping and mopping floors, scrubbing toilets, meditating, doing breathing and yoga practice, washing dishes, hiking in the woods, soaking in the hot tub, wandering through the gardens, attending sunrise temple ritual, eating amazing food, getting to know the community and the people here, taking part in sharing circle discussion, having great conversations, making new friends, listening to beautiful Sanskrit hymns, folding laundry... and all the time wondering how I came to be in such a magical place.

The Eight Limbs of Ashtanga Yoga

2009-02-21T23:43:00.000-08:00

In preparation for my journey to the Mount Madonna Center, I have started reading about the eight limbs of Ashtanga yoga. Yoga, as most of us in the west know it, is actually only one piece of a much broader practice.

The first of the eight limbs is the five restraints, or Yama. This includes peaceful loving-kindness towards all beings (nonviolence), complete honesty with oneself and others (truthfulness), freedom from the illusion of ownership and from any misappropriation (nonstealing), the control of sexual desires (continence) and freedom from attachment to possessions (nonhoarding).

The second limb is Niyama, or the five observances. Observing cleanliness leads to freedom from attachment to the body. Contentment frees the mind from the effects of pleasure and pain. Austerity involves giving up desires through discipline and purification. Spiritual study and self-inquiry lead to the attainment of liberation. Surrender of the ego channels energy toward the realization of truth.

The third limb is what we commonly call yoga. This is known as the Asanas, or meditation postures. Asana practice functions to stimulate and purify energy channels in the body, awakening the reservoir of spiritual energy. In addition, regular practice tones muscles, improves circulation and digestion, calms the mind and increases flexibility and endurance.

Pranayama, or breath control, is the fourth limb of Ashtanga yoga. The purpose of breath control is to expand the vital energy. Breathing exercises are used to calm and focus the mind in preparation for meditation practice.

The fifth limb is Pratyahara, or withdrawing the mind from sense perception. This is a bridge between the first four limbs, which involve external methods, and the last three limbs, which involve internal processes. Pratyahara aims to withdraw from desires that attract the mind's attention. Use of mantras, worship and chanting are some practices used to bring the mind inward.

Concentration, or Dharana, is the sixth limb. This is the focus of the mind's attention on to a single point, such as a specific part of the body, a picture, the breath, a mantra or a candle flame. The mind dwells only on the chosen object and is not allowed to wander.

Dhyana, or meditation, is the seventh limb and involves channeling the mind to one point in a continuous succession. It is virtually the same as concentration (the sixth limb), with the exception that it is uninterrupted in nature.

Superconsciousness, also known as Samadhi, is the eighth and final limb. Meditation culminates in superconsciousness when the mind and object merge. The mind is no longer conscious of itself. The stages of higher consciousness become progressively more profound, leading to perfect self-realization.

Miracle Drug

2009-02-12T06:12:00.000-08:00

Those who know me well know that my life has changed dramatically in the past year. Although I didn't realize it then, this time last year I was spiralling down into a depression. I was isolating myself, withdrawing from the people around me. I felt dissatisfied with my job and my life, but powerless to change it. My fear of failing and looking foolish kept me from following my dreams. My social anxiety kept me from connecting with my community. By last summer, I began to realize that I needed help.

I booked myself a one month vacation from work, and started seeing a counselor, an acupuncturist, a naturopath, a personal trainer and even a hypnotherapist. I did yoga, meditated daily, exercised regularly, changed my diet and started taking herbs and supplements. All of this helped. My depression started to lift, but I was still left with a deep feeling of disappointment with my life. I was paralyzed by my fears and frustrated by my inability to overcome them.

I finally decided to discuss my concerns with my doctor, who referred me to the anxiety clinic. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and started taking an antidepressant. I was very reluctant to take medication, but it was the only thing I hadn't tried yet. I researched social anxiety disorder and knew that a combination of medication and psychotherapy was considered the most effective treatment. As much as I tried to avoid it, I finally decided that it was time to give the medication a try.

I have now been taking medication regularly for the past seven months and my life has changed in ways I never could have imagined were possible. I completed a twelve week cognitive behavioural therapy program for people with social anxiety disorder. The medication took the edge off my anxieties, so I was able to challenge myself to confront my fears. With the support of the group, I took on and accomplished new goals every week. I have more confidence, self-esteem and self-acceptance that I have ever felt in my life. I feel empowered to make the changes I need to make and I am already well on my way to living my dreams. Although I don't want or intend to stay on medication in the long-term, I am grateful that it has given me the gift of myself.

My Creative Dreams

2009-02-11T21:44:00.000-08:00

Some dreams I have already lived...
*survived nursing school
*took a working holiday in Australia, New Zealand & Fiji
*got myself out of debt & saved myself a little nest egg
*moved to a house with a garden so I could grow veggies
*took courses in organic gardening

Some dreams I will be living soon...
*spending 2 months at Mt Madonna Center
*practicing the art & discipline of service & yoga
*apprenticing on an organic farm for 6 months
*connecting with the rhythms of the land & nature

Some dreams I hope to live in the future...
*spend a winter doing volunteer work & language study in Mexico
*travel Europe for a year, wwoofing & visiting ecovillages
*produce organic food with and for my community

Dreams

2009-01-29T15:31:00.001-08:00

I am preparing to live out my dream to take a journey of adventure, transformation and discovery. It will take me to places where I can work and learn in the company of others like, and unlike, myself. I will relearn the basic survival skills that I never knew I had. I will learn to live cooperatively and create abundance from the land. I will learn discipline, awareness and acceptance. My journey will be both outward and inward.

The first two months will be spent living at a yoga centre in California. There I will perform selfless service and learn yogic philosophy, while living in their spiritual community. The work will be hard, the food will be bland and the learning will be life-altering.

Then I will spend six months living, working and learning at an organic farm. The work, again, will be hard. The food, however, will be hearty and appetizing. The learning will be invaluable. To know how to grow food could be the most important and least acknowledged skill in the world today. If there is a global food shortage, money will be useless. We cannot eat money. We can survive with empty wallets, but not with empty stomachs.

Moving Beyond Love

2009-01-28T08:44:00.000-08:00

A lot has happened in the past year. Michael and I have grown together. We finally became our true selves. Our love for each other gave us the safe space we needed to find and to love ourselves. Ironically, in that process, we discovered that our paths are taking us in different directions. As we each got to know our unique selves, we connected with our innermost desires and dreams. And we came to the painful realization that our life together is not
sustainable. We can only compromise our dreams for so long, before resentment begins to corrode our love.

We made the difficult decision to separate. It is our deep love and affection for each other that allows us to part in a loving and respectful way. I am glad that we are letting go while our love is still strong. I thought it would feel strange to still be living together, knowing that our relationship is coming to an end. But it is actually a wonderful gift. It has given us time to reflect and enjoy our last few months together. And time to plan for the future. Now we seem to get along better than ever. We hug and kiss and cry, but mostly, we laugh a lot. Sometimes we look at each other and say "why are we breaking up?" But we know that this has to happen. It doesn't mean that we will never be together again. Maybe we will be reunited after some time apart, and maybe we won't. But no matter what happens, we will never regret the time we spent together.